The VSD of Prince Jonathan
by A Phoenix Rising
Summary: I was unaware that any other VSD of Jonathan existed at the time I wrote this, any and all similarities purely coincidental, that said, enjoy the fic! not a oneshot, will update in about a week, maybe sooner, pg rated for a swear word
1. Chapter 1 Alanna: the first adventure

The very secret diary of Prince Jonathan  
  
(A/N: I had to return the book before I thought to write this, so if the events are in the wrong order, please feel free to let me know, will update once a week or so. Reviews make me happy and more inclined to post sooner, *hint* *hint*)  
  
Day 1- stopped Ralon from beating new kid to a pulp. V. noble of me. Dunno his name. A-something or other. Squirt fits him better, tho, seeing as he is so short. Squirt didn't thank me profusely, tho, or even recognize me as royalty. Won't intervene next time. That'll teach him.  
  
Day 3- who am I kidding. Scaring and pounding Ralon fun. Sadistic, yes, but good cure for boredom.  
  
Day 72- Squirt made Ralon cry today. Whupped his @$$. Better befriend him (Squirt) or it could be me next.  
  
Day 81- Squirt seems to be afraid of water. Theory: Squirt rabid.  
  
Day 94- still no foam. Might just like dirt.  
  
Day 106- Gary and Alex off to be squires. As can get Squirt to do most of my homework, will help him with a couple of problems.  
  
Day 111- Squirt booooooooooooring. On bright side, now have history term paper done, just need to copy it into my own handwriting  
  
Day 118- another booooooooooring lecture from Squirt. Spent most of time doodling and daydreaming about court ladies.  
  
Day 180- having v. nice conversation with black-cloaked portent of death and Squirt had to interrupt with purply stuff and whisk me back to this world. Squirt talked like woman. Squirt either possessed or a eunuch.  
  
Day 204- Squirt got horse from George the klepto. Named it stupid wimpy name. Moon something. Not too jealous, as got better one. But actually had to pay for it. Named it manly name. Theory: Squirt either gay or confused about sexual identity.  
  
Day 236- Squirt got pretty and funky sword from Myles. Am v. jealous. Planning some sort of revenge.... Not sure what yet, tho...  
  
Day 240- I've got it. Will drag Squirt along to Persopolis and then to black city. Squirt rather prissy about rules made for our own safety. Make him squirm. *evil grin*  
  
Day 247- Squirt not gay or confused... Squirt female. That explains a lot. V. good item for future blackmail. Note to self: no more stripping in front of him her. 


	2. chapter 2 in the hands of the goddess

A/N: I couldn't get my hands of the book this weekend, so the order might be messed up. If so please review and tell me so it can be fixed immediately. Heck, review anyway, or I will tell Grusha (my overweight balinese cat) to shed and drool on you. And she will.  
  
Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me. No matter how much I wish George did. Or Faithful did. Or jon so I could kill him, ((don't like him much in case you didn't notice)  
  
The very secret diary of Prince Jonathan (Part II)  
  
Day 364: almost one year now since Alanna arrived here. Has grown two inches. Will still call her Squirt until she reaches my neck.  
  
Day 381: Squirt went camping in woods. Said needed to find true self. Spent enough time disguising her true self ought to know it pretty well by now. Whatever. More time for me to get in touch with my inner jerkishness. Let's see: ah yes kingship for dummies: a guide to the exploitation of those around you. ((Bedtime story) where's gary? He said he'd read it to me.....  
  
Day 401: Squirt back. Rather long trip. Now has own diminutive sidekick. Rather creepy cat with mutant eyes as well.  
  
Day 416: Squirt whupped foreign ambassador's @$$. Wow. She used to always suck at swordsmanship. Now better than me. And as we all know am perfect. Hate squirt. I know! Will make dance with all ladies at next ball. Squirt shall squirm under my wrath.  
  
Day 452: hahaha. Squirt funny when mad. Squirt got klepto to send spies to tissan(?). Suspect klepto hitting on my squire. Didn't even ask my royal permission first. Jerk.  
  
Day 453: Just to bug klepto, believe will get Squirt to fall in love with me. Add one more willing female to my harem, make klepto jealous, where downside?  
  
Later: have thought of downside. What if Squirt sees through tactics used on other girls.... Only seen about 8 of my conquests, so probably will not notice. Then, there are those times I discussed those tactics and told Squirt the success rates for each one.... Well, one way to find out...  
  
Day 462: Good news: as suspected, Squirt not very bright with stuff like this. Bad news: received 5 death threats from and two assassins sent by klepto. Wonder if can buy him off?  
  
Day 473: blackmail works best. Mentioned having tea with Lord Provost fairly often, wouldn't want name to slip now would we? Am so cool and totally in control. But if looks could kill, I would have had to have told him from another room. Never seen a face turn that purple, interesting....  
  
Day 474: going to war with tissan(?) or something. Idol Roger leading army, Duke Gareth likely dead from old fogey disease.  
  
Day 483: Squirt wounded, so can't fight. Like traipsing around the hospital and draining Gift dry any better. Wait, why would that matter? Only person worth anything in this godd*** army is yours truly.  
  
Day 485: Squirt got sentry duty. Kidnapped. Tempted to leave there but then harem incomplete. Will be noble and go rescue, if can wake up black-cat-in- drunken-stupor-that-knows-where-to-find-her.  
  
Day 486: found Squirt. Saved Squirt. Big hassle. Next time leave to fend for herself. Sleep schedule absolutely screwed up because had to track down dumb squire. *insert cuss word here* stupid cat just bit me. Life sucks.  
  
Day 490: war over. We won. Yay. Back to palace for school. Boo. Harem lives there too. Yay. Squirt kind of twitchy since kidnapping. Fun to spook. Hehehehe.  
  
Day 503: there was a ball last night. Squirt disguised self as black haired lady. New it was Squirt though. No one accustomed to being a lady would wear that much makeup. Also, slept with Squirt before klepto could! Neener- neener-neener! = P  
  
Day 572: Squirt hates cold. Wraps self up with her blankets, my blankets, and all the ones from the Dancing Dove Inn. Then rolls wherever she needs to go. Entertaining, but makes me turn into ice cube @ night.  
  
Day 580: Squirt attacked by big wolf. Suspect because of so many blankets looks like fat fleecy sheep. Wouldn't tell her that though.  
  
Day 602: some weirdo salted skating rink. Squirt fell through. After getting out, took all my sheets and all the Dancing Dove Inn's sheets as well as her usual 5-foot thick layer of blankets.  
  
Day 700: was v. noble today. Friends and me got together to outfit Squirt with some proper armor because was her 17th birthday. Am such good person. Am jealous, though. Didn't get that good of stuff for own birthday.  
  
Day 703: Squirt is now Sir Alanna. Sir Alanna still short. Sir Alanna killed Roger. Not very nice. But as Roger was trying to take over throne, guess is okay... Roger slashed through chest binding stuff on Squirt Sir Alanna. Court got to see chest. Expression on dad's face priceless. V. entertaining. Got grounded tho for not telling on her.  
  
Day 705: Squirt rode off to go live with the desert natives for a while. Interesting choice, not one I would have picked, but to each his her own. 


	3. Chapter 3 the woman who rides like a man

A/N: here is the diary during the third book in the song of the lioness series, The Woman Who Rides Like a Man, and I hope you enjoy it. And I would love any sort of reviews, flames included, because at least that means you read it. No review is too short or too long, and if someone would respond to my challenge (write a story that involves a giant ENORMOUS strawberry waffle, I would write you a lovely extraordinarily long review and add you to my favorites list of both stories and authors.... hinthintnudgenudgewinkwink say no more ; D so to make I short and sweet, here it is, please review, and write about strawberry waffles, dam... I mean, dangit!! Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me except for Jon's diary itself, and the bbq potato chips I'm munching whilst I write  
  
Day 710 (scrawled across page) IF YOU EVER DARE CALL ME SQUIRT AGAIN, YOU WILL BECOME A BLOT ON THE PRACTICE COURTS, YOU HEAR ME?! -ALANNA  
Apparently Squirt Alanna read part of my diary. Must not have read all of what I said though. If she did then would currently be dangling by my toes from halfway up Balor's Needle. Will not test the blot theory. Will think of new nickname, if possible... call Alanna until then....  
  
Day 713: who am I kidding. Squirt suits her too well. Will have palace mages spell diary so only I can open it.  
  
Day 748: Squirt sent message from Bazhir. Wants me to become some voice thingee or something. Sounds stupid. Don't want to do it, so won't. If questioned, will claim out of postage stamps.  
  
Day 753: Daddy found letter. Says must go. Builds character. Told him I have none. Got spanked and sent to my room. Mom said was being immature and hence deserved the spanking. I say she's smoking something.  
  
Day 756: have started dumb journey. Packed plenty of suntan lotion and fireworks. Plan to make dramatic entrance.  
  
Day 757: Coram stupid. Lit fireworks while drunk. Set two trees on fire and started a small brush fire. Luckily, storm cloud right overhead, and put out blaze before much could be incinerated. Hate Coram. Will put frog in his bedroll next opportunity.  
  
Day 758: have decided to marry Squirt. That'll teach mom and dad. Also, as Squirt not the brightest lamp on the table, can easily get to intimidate mom and dad into giving me what I want, even when they are in bad mood. Squirt also might actually become important for once in her life, too. Will do wonders for my bad-boy reputation. Can you get any more rebellious without being disowned? Suppose could smoke something... nah... mom creepy when high, so don't want to do that. Besides, awfully inconvenient to have to tote stuff around. Might get caught with it and would then have to write one of those dumb essays on responsibilities of royal status. Will stick with the marriage thing.  
  
Day 763: Told Myles and Coram today. They told me to just shut my mouth for once during this entire trip. Offered them brandy... V. big mistake. Now can't get them to shut up. Note to self: Give away all liquor as friendship token to tribal native people we are visiting. I wonder if they wear grass skirts?  
  
Day 783: Arrived at Bazhir camp. Locals snatched liquor from me and backed away slowly, making sign against evil. Superstitious little buggers, no? Got it on with Alanna in tent. She still hasn't seen through me yet. Either I am really really good at this, or she is really really dumb or she just doesn't understand anything related to intimacy and how people use it for power. Am so noble to take her under my royal wing. Am such a good person. Am soooooo perfect. Wait, a chipped nail. Nooooooooooooooooooooo! Wonder if Bazhirs have salons? Later: everyone I asked turned around and ran when they heard my question. Maybe shouldn't have asked guys....  
  
Day 784: Got challenged by some stupid tribesman. Whupped his butt thanks to some v. cool Shang moves picked up from some wolf dude. Or was it Leopard? No, it was definitely chicken... oh I dunno. Some random Shang dude who came to palace. He scratched me with his knife though. teardrop it hurt.... Squirt fussed over me like a mother hen. Even made clucking noises (not on purpose, I don't think) v. entertaining. clucked back at her. She didn't get it, so got socked in the jaw really hard and now she won't share her bruise balm. Stupid female.  
  
Day 796: Didn't want to go to lessons with loser voice dude today, so Squirt bitched me out in front of entire tribe. I swear she sounds just like my stoner parents sometimes. However, later this evening, she believed my contrite act. Am so good it's scary.  
  
Day 802: became voice today. In doing so killed other dude. Almost felt guilty. Am giving up this cutting habit. Especially in front of other people. And when I am wearing nice clothes. I have ruined over six outfits with these stupid rituals and don't even get the adrenaline rush they all claim to get when doing it. Side note: I might be schizo. Hearing lots and lots of voices, all of them complaining or asking me to do something. Later: talked to Coram. Said part of being voice. Was like, "Oh." Felt kind of stupid so went and picked on some little kid. Feel much better.  
  
Day 805: tried to leave today and take Squirt with me. Squirt blew her top. No, understatement. Had Coram not held her back, Tortall would currently be heirless. Or rather, it would have many many many small itsy bitsy pieces of an heir. Don't understand this though. Who wouldn't want to marry me and become queen? Think about it: I'm perfect, the queen is second in power only to the king, royalty has a life of luxury, everybody has to grovel at our feet and kiss our butts incessantly and do whatever we want them to, get to kill people we don't like, (or at least make their lives miserable), I'm a perfection in and of myself, you get a kick-butt wardrobe and a staff to attend your every whim, and did I mention I'm perfect? So who in their right mind wouldn't want to be queen?! Ah, well, guess it's time for my favorite sport trumpets (Announcer Voice): Make Squirt Squirm! I believe I will go out with the first chesty blonde bimbo I meet just to tick Squirt off and make her jealous. hehehehehehehehehehehehehe. 


End file.
